My Biggest Feminist Struggle

By Jane Derishu

I hate men.

Not all of them and not all the time, but sometimes. Sometimes I hate all of them. It’s pretty bad, it’s an addiction – the kind that controls every aspect of your life and I’m trying really hard to stop. It’s hard because sometimes hating men helps me feel good. Sometimes when I hate men out loud with other women it gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling in my stomach that I just love. Sometimes it helps me feel strong and free. Reflecting on what I’ve just written, I can already see that these are the words of a true addict.

The thing with addictions is that usually they are really hard to quit by yourself, just by making a decision. I’ve heard the stories about people who have just woken up in the morning one day and decided to change their bad habits and it’s worked. I am not one of those people. Whenever I decide to let go of the hate discourse I adopted towards men I find myself going back to the same old routine really quickly.

Why does it have to be so fun?!? Seriously, how fun it is to make generalisations about men. To blame them for all of the bad things in the world; to publicly declare that you don’t trust them; to assume that all men oppress all women; to make jokes about a world without them and to attach to them all that is not working in your life.

I have carried this addiction with me for many years now and like any other addiction, it took me a long time to understand that it hurts me. As my feminism has become more defined, so has my understanding that I have to stop hating men. This has now became my biggest feminist struggle. With all the respect to gender based violence, LGBTQ+ rights, feminist economy and other big major issues, my biggest feminist struggle is happening inside me, in my mind and my heart where I struggle on my mission to stop hating men.

Ultimately, hating men is not a feminist thing to do. Gender based hate and feminism cannot live together under the same mind. Hating men is almost (with an emphasis on almost) equal to hating women. It’s destructive and impacts many aspects of life. Hate that is based on gender can never lead to equality and we, as feminists, should feel uncomfortable when we hear expression of hates towards men as we feel when we hear similar expressions about women. This struggle is hard, it’s inside me, it’s quiet and it’s dangerous, but I still believe that I will win. I have to win – I owe it to my feminist beliefs. If I want to grow and develop as a feminist I have to stop hating men and enable my feminism to become a feminism that is based on love rather than hate.

So, In order to win and in honour of International Woman Day I have to start believe and publicly declare: My name is Jane and every day I going to hate men a little less.

Happy International Women’s Day For all of you out there

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About Gender + the City

Intersectional Feminist digital magazine

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